Photo: Alexandre Rocha 2018

I was born in the 90’s, as the first daughter of a young just married couple. My dad was about 21 and mom with 18 years old. Unfortunately, they got divorced after 3-1/2 years after I born, and this was just the beginning of my life journey.

Even though my parents had a good faith, they never are so close to Jesus. I was baptized in the Catholic church, but I not really was a frequent member. In my house, my mom and my grandmother always teaches us (me and my sister) to pray and give thanks to God, so we do know about his existence, but I couldn’t say that i know him, even really have a gratitude and knowing that he was the one who answer my questions.

I happen to be a curious person from the beginning and I’ve always had so many questions that few people could answer. When I was eleven years old, my mom was a member of a spiritualist church, also my sister and I. Because I had open vision and saw so many things every night and day, I will try to ask people that I trust so many times, about what I was really seeing. No one, until that moment, really answer what I was asking.

Long story short, I try to find my answers in so many places, and I still praying every day, until the death of my uncle, that was like a father to me. He left just few days before my 15th birthday and it was for me so deep that I lost myself and start to question life and God, for why it happens and why He (God), didn’t answer my prayers.

I didn’t really had an answer in that moment, and I can say that after that day I start to try to destroy my life, maybe as a little girl trying to keep the attention of the father, but definitely lost.

After years I found myself without life, my eyes are dead and even if I live following the good teachings of my parents, I wasn’t loving myself well. I really believe and think that I have a good life, with 23 years old  I lived relatively well, in an excellent home, having a comfortable and very pleasant life with my boyfriend. Everything seemed perfect, walking very well, but even having a lot, I woke up missing something.

I remember this day as if it were today, for this was the first time that I can truly say that I heard the voice of God. I can even remember the scent of that morning, the day when I questioned in my heart what I was really doing with my life.

That morning, I clearly heard within myself: “You have missed what you were born to be.” Wow, I who thought I knew so much about what I was doing was simply struck by this sword, which came right into my chest and penetrated deep into my being.

“But who was I born to be?” I wondered

– “You know” (echoed in my mind)

“I do not know if I really know …” (I answered that clear, soft voice)

– “Read Psalm 38” (He said)

OK! I read this psalm for about 2 years of my life, and never, never understood what it meant. And this voice comes with these deep questions telling me to read again this psalm that I read so many, many times without knowing exactly what it meant.

It must be said that at the age of 22 I suffered violence from people who walked with God and lost my best friend at age 15, believing with all my faith that God would heal him. These events caused me to simply use all my intelligence and persuasion to make people just not believe the Bible.

I, completely hurt and with no understanding of who God was, took my curiosity, courage and my Bible, which was in the drawer of my bedside.

“I find it incredible, that even with all the attitude of “non believing in God”, I’ve  never let my bible away from me. It was an old family Bible, it belonged to my mother and then to my uncle, Shalom, so than comes to me with the age of 11 years old.

As I finished reading that intense psalm, for the first time in my entire life, like a sky that opened before me, each of those words pierced my heart as deeply as the questioning that He had done.

Wow, finally that psalm spoke to me! At that very moment I knelt beside the bed, next to the balcony of the room, where there was a beautiful sky and opened my mouth. Even without knowing what to say, I spoke and I recognized:

“Man, I am the person of this psalm, but I still not at this level of trusting you, please God, if there is anything wrong in my life change it, do your will. For I will never be satisfied with anything other than your will.”

And there, at that very moment, my house of cards collapsed as I watched the cabin. Simply, my life imploded and I kicked the bucket there at the end, to break it all at once. In April 2014, my world was on the floor and I was extremely broken in shards.

But, as He Himself says, all things work together for the good of those who seek Him. In May of this same year, I went with my cousin to an encounter of the church Bola de neve Curitiba, that same day, when entering the church, I knew that my life already was surrendered. When the pastor began to speak, I raised my hand and wept litters, because I knew whose voice I heard, for He was there at that very moment.

During every minute, even in the face of so many things happening, I knew that He was under control and that He would guide me to where He would. It is worth remembering that when I was lost, I was REALLY LOST, I kicked the bucket of life and waited for Him to help me clean up the mess.

This is my space to speak and to listen, here I will tell my story, where I arrived and where I have walked. In this place, there is a woman who did not know the value that had and now truly recognizes that it is worth more than Rubis.

This is my homage and connection bridge to all women who do not know their value and who seek to understand their identity, destiny and purpose.

It was surrendering that I said yes!

“A virtuous woman who will find her? Their value far exceeds that of rubies. “(Proverbs 31:10)

Well, after all this years, finally I found my answers and I can say that I know who I’m, I know I’m to be and I love myself so well! This story starts in BSSM, but it will be for the next post!

With love,

Amanda Stein!